"article" about the Netherlands :}

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by rudeboy, Oct 2, 2007.

  1. rudeboy

    rudeboy New Member

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    "article" about the Netherlands :}

    i always enjoy reading and sharing this and can't believe i haven't shared it sooner with you all:


    Personal mail (115:400/4)
    PERSONAL_MAIL (ZOD_WEIRD)
    msg : #487 [1]
    from : Squell 115:800/0 05 jul 01 00:19:37
    to : All
    subj : [%] Yooowlz...

    ---<%>--Cut! (%)

    Not all that funny (especially his horrid use of the name "Hollander"..
    which most dutch people not living in either one of the two "... holland"
    provinces don't like at all) and sometimes blundly wrong. But hey, its
    never wrong to bash your own country so as such enterianing and (semi)
    funny :)


    --- In dutchgothic@y..., Eithne Ní Bhraonáin <xpredator2000@y...> wrote:
    Hey you!

    This is for all the people who are new in Holland, or have lived here
    quite long, and still don't understand anything about Holland.. :)


    Warning:
    How to treat the Dutch is written by a Dutchman. Any mistakes in the
    correct use of English are not his fault, you probably just did not
    read correctly. And by the way, how is your writing in Dutch, eh?

    1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds him
    too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and other
    things he doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a Nederlander.

    2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in Holland
    for more than five years. Not only will it give you a splitting
    headache but also Hollanders won't understand a single word of what
    you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to speak English or
    gibberish. Speaking gibberish they are easy prey for pickpockets since
    they can't make a report to the police.

    3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that only
    Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black. The
    taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax. Hollanders
    absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff.There is a
    nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners who are
    tricked into believing it is edible.

    4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you.
    Which is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the
    first place. A Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in
    them.

    5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behaviour like that is not only frowned
    upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with wooden
    shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a finger in
    any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.

    6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the back
    of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If ever you get
    into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is absolutely
    right and that you see the error of your ways. This will drive him
    absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't be right. You
    agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right. Impossible! He is a
    Hollander. But.. why.. he.. At this point you may want to stand back
    and watch him try to strangle himself with a tulip.

    7. Windmills are unavoidable.

    8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills,
    wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the
    softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both are
    available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any Hollander
    age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 & 20)

    9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is merely
    an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about everyone else,
    including yours, after the game is won. ...Or lost. ...Or if it is a
    draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a policeman during these
    festivities. (see item 10) Also, whenever there's a Hollander around:
    "Don't mention the '74 final!". You'll end up in an ongoing discussion
    about how well the Orange team played and how marvellous it is that a
    small country like Holland has such a good team and
    blah-de-blah-de-blah.

    10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you
    feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No Hollander
    will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick a policeman
    in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no Hollander
    recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may also note that a
    lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners tricked into taking
    the job.

    11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off their
    own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him
    something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an exception) This
    might explain the success of MacDonald's in Holland. The story that

    copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found
    cent is absolutely true.

    12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside
    during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about
    365 days each year. This might also explain those wooden shoes: They
    float. Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of it. They will
    grab every opportunity to point out to you that the nation has
    accomplished great things, despite of it being so small. A suitable
    answer to this swank is the Hollander's imperialistic past. Wich
    brings us -rather nicely- to item 13.

    13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you will-
    simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately
    start running for your life. He'll want to prove to you that he is a
    peace loving person and he won't stop proving this until your
    intestines are scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a
    supposedly imperialistic past (one of the first Slave
    capturers/traders) and being the greatest (?) supressors of human
    rights in South Africa, Surinam and Indonesia, will instantly reduce a
    Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and crying child, begging for forgiveness.

    14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They
    simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard-drugs,
    Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity
    for making a good profit go by.

    15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel
    free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don't
    expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes
    earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have
    fun.

    16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious
    looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is
    used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the cheese.
    Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Nederlander. Never cut cheese
    with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself. Another peculiar
    dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which literally means
    "bottle-licker", but which is best translated by "yoghurt-scraper".
    Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy back or for
    your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles of yoghurt
    or "vla" which is a sort of custard. The Nederlanders wants to use
    absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt or 'vla' he bought. He paid
    for all of it and he'll jolly well eat all of it.

    17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing quite
    well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive
    negotiating between parties like the unions, the employers and the
    government. They even have a name for this: The polder model.
    Foreigners are made to believe that this polder model is the key to a
    healthy economy and if others should follow this polder model, their
    economy's will also improve dramatically. This is utter nonsense.
    Hollanders just love to talk and talk and talk. Calling all this
    talking negotiations only gives them a sense of doing something
    useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland...only the people.

    18. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of mayonnaise
    and put it in small paper bags. This is called "een patatje met". One
    of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period. Not everyone
    agrees if it is the sort of life worth living. Some foreigners however
    are reported to have actually liked eating it.

    19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for -mainly- French
    tourists. As soon as they cross the border between Belgium and
    Holland, they are welcomed enthusiastically by young men in fast cars.
    These young people wish to point out to the French tourist where the
    more interesting touristy places in Holland can be found. Strangely
    enough they always seem to end up in a coffee shop (see item 20).
    Funny people those French.

    (didn't even fit in one post :}
  2. rudeboy

    rudeboy New Member

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    part 2

    20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of
    yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino.
    Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee. You can
    however get a good number of other stimulating drugs there. For some
    unknown reason coffee shops are extremely popular with French
    tourists.

    21. A Fries is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in the
    north of the country in a province all for himself. He is fond of
    frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia with alcohol)
    and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that they are
    -indeed- not Fries. The rest of the Hollanders look upon this
    behaviour with the good natured ambivalent feelings that parents have
    for an obstinate child.

    22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to Holland, I
    can recommend the following: The complete works of William Shakespeare
    or a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica (the 1913
    copy: Fr to He). In my experience these two books have just about the
    right weight for clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp on the head
    without leaving any marks. After hitting you might want to drop the
    book you were carrying at that moment for a more speedy retreat. Bring
    plenty of books.

    23. Do not bother to hire a car. Not only can you steal more bikes
    than you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you
    will enjoy. In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in
    miles or kilometres, Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in weeks.
    As a matter of fact, the more persistent traffic-jams are well worth a
    touristic visit. The sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes
    can be quite uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature. You may
    want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw through open car
    windows. The resulting fights can often be worth watching.

    24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-law
    to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not to
    take these matters into their own hands.

    25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god of
    all honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a
    church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking. Hollanders are
    supposed to be very tolerant of other believes, ways of life and
    religious convictions. They are not. The only reason for there being
    so many different churches, sects and cults is the fact that
    Hollanders disagree on just about anything. A Hollander is always
    right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks different than him can jolly
    well bugger off and start his own church.

    26. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her husband
    is no king but a prince. The queen doesn't rule the country -well, not
    much anyway- but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and
    visiting other countries. She is also very decorative at state
    banquets. Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops
    queening (nice word eh?). Now his wife won't be a queen but she will
    be a princess because Nederland is much too small for a king and a
    queen at the same time. On April the 30th its Queen's Day, which is
    not the birthday of the queen, but the birthday of princess Juliana
    the queen's mother (who used to be the queen). It is no wonder that
    more and more Nederlanders wish to make Holland a republic. Queen's
    Day, by the way, has nothing to do with royal festivities. It's just a
    Hollander's excuse to drink large quantities of alcohol. On Queen's
    Day Hollanders also sell garbage in the streets.

    27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland. No,
    the dikes will hold, that is not the problem. The huge amount of
    ditches, moats, canals, rivers and brooks can however lead to
    mistakes. The shiny nice new asphalt road that you wish to drive your
    car on during a rainstorm, may in fact not be a road at all.

    28. The Hollandse art. Most Nederlandse painters get to be famous only
    after they have died. That is a very sensible arrangement from the
    publics point of view. Not only do you get large quantities of

    paintings -a man has got to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice
    investment for art-lovers. The painters themselves do not share this
    view at all but are unable to do anything about it. In at least one
    case the frustration has led to self-mutilation involving an ear.

    29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday party,
    prepare yourself for a unique experience. Unique, because it can only
    be compared to taking place on a wooden chair which has a sharp nail
    driven through the underside of the seat, and not being able to move
    for a month. More than one foreigner has been driven to the brink of
    insanity in just one evening. A Hollandse birthday party consists of
    sitting in a chair (in a circle), talking to other Hollanders about
    your work, your car, foreigners and politics. You are expected to
    leave at 11 pm and you'll gladly do so.

    31. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the famous
    Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some operations,
    like open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more than six months.
    The doctors don't think that is a problem, "More than half of our
    patients for open heart surgery never even show up anyway" they say.
    Some Nederlandse patients who have become desperate, move to a country
    like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is infinitely
    better.

    32. Nederlanders leave their curtains open in the evening. This used
    to be so that the neighbours could always check if your family didn't
    gamble or drink alcohol. These days it is a precaution against junkies
    trying to steal the stereo from the family car, parked in front of the
    house. It has the fortunate side effect that you can watch Hollanders
    in their natural surroundings, in front of the television, watching
    soaps.

    33. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam. Like ..erm...Well, it
    has!!

    34. Hollandse beer has made quite a reputation for itself over the
    years. Some people even drink it. Brewing is indeed one of the things
    Hollanders traditionaly do very well. Holland never used to be a
    country with anything more interesting to do than to drink oneself
    blind in new and interesting ways or make paintings. This made the
    beer industry very popular. Experts claim that once you have drank
    Hollandse beer like Heineken, Grolsch or Amstel, all other beers taste
    like the tapwater in a Rotterdam hotel.

    35. Hollandse tapwater is safe to drink. This is quite remarkable
    considering that most drinking water comes from poluted rivers like
    the Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the riverwater, so that
    fish like salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can count
    on strong resistance from the Nederlanders. They don't like the idea
    of animals having sex in their drinking water.

    [^] Mzzl!

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    * Origin: To be or not to be, that's a very stupid question. (115:800/0)
  3. rudeboy

    rudeboy New Member

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    24 views.. no replies, maybe it's because i am from there that i find it absolutely hilarious :}
  4. goyleinlove

    goyleinlove New Member

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    It was definitely funny. I just didn't know what to say in response. A clever quip eludes me....sorry

    Jeremy-Posted from my Q as always
  5. rudeboy

    rudeboy New Member

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    i see what you are saying.... and guess what, you're correct but usually there are certain folks who are never shy for words :}

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